It was the beginning of the end, the start of the real chaos and I didn't notice until everything just started to fall.
All my life I have been bothered because I truly believe in happy endings, in always together and stuff... I have been known for believing in fights and hate, and that everything can save with just a kiss... We don't have many time to spend it upset with those we really love...
I fall so fast.
I believe in kindness and coincidences.
I believe in strangers watching each others eyes and imagine a life together.
I remember the last fight we had... Everything was very complicated and he was yelling at me about how much he hates me for having so many romance inside of my head...
He told me I lived in a fairy tale and that any relationship can't work out if someone thinks they are in some Disney movie.
So he left me, as I'm always used to it.
I remember the next day, I was hating everything and trying to figure out what can I do for make him happy again, because I truly mean it when I said I think a kiss can make work out every little thing.
So I was there at my therapist's office, telling everything I got on my mind... And he make me woke up and told me "Do you really think that he will come back?"... (of course I did).
"You need to know that you can't push people into believing something... He got to broke up with you because you think you're not in real world and that this isn't really happening, you see bad stuff as some stupid mistake that you can fix instead of what it is... A real shit that really happened and you have to face it and live with it"
So I got really mad and start to wonder WHY?
Why it GOT to be like that?
Why they're right and I'm wrong?
Why can't I deserve my fairy tale?
Why can't love be the answer of everything?
Why people leave eachother?
Why is everything on my mind?
And then he smiled (my therapist) and started to laugh... He said I was right... I deserve my fairy tale and that I deserve to be with someone who truly thinks that a kiss of my will make absolutely everything change and be alright.
The problem's still me, of course, because I know that and I still hanging out with these guys who doesn't believe it, they don't care about a true feeling... Then why I expect so much from them?
I remember me smiling and crying at the same time, I was there asking a fish to fly...
So I promised to myself not to look more than what I have, not to be with someone who doesn't think that my ugly smile is the hottest thing he ever saw.
I guess that's why is kind of hard to take serious most of the guys...
Since then I never saw more that what I thought they were... But still messing everything up.
Sometimes, I remain close to falling deeply, madly, can't live with out love... But then they show how they really are and I notice that that's not what I'm looking for, so I just kiss them, fuck them, drink with them and dedicated myself to feeling that empty love, until one day my prince will show up and fight with them and take me home.
I'm not a whore... I just, need to be loved.
I just got so much love in my heart that waiting doesn't seems really possible.
So I give them what they want (me)... If they make me think that I got a little of what I need.
Sometimes, I get really sad because of it... Because I know we (they and me) have been lying.
But, what can I said?
I really deserve my Disnesy movie.
A real life fairy tale.
Until then, I will still sneaking around... partying, kissing, hating, lying, fucking with everyone I'll want to love just for the night.
And of course, falling in love once in a while with a dumbass that doesn't believe me when I said I am.